I'm certainly beginning to understand the term more as I progress through my transition... I used to think it was just a confusion about gender roles and how you fit yourself into them... the method you use to ignore what you have in your pants... to work with the body you have as you try to fit it into a more comfortable place in society... I'm starting to realise now just how much more than that it is...
My chest... newly reflattened... the hips and thighs that stubbornly cling to my body... the clit that grows only torturously slowly... the cunt that drips and aches to be filled, betraying the desire I feel to the female body I own... and the cock that doesn't exist, but I feel regardless...
It feels disjointed... like all my parts are out of proportion... and like I feel things I couldn't possibly feel as either one or the other... but in the no-man's land of Dysphoria... I feel it all... teasingly... fleetingly... never strong enough to be certain of it... to use it... to be it...
Sometimes it aches so bad... just for a touch, and maybe something more.
I can feel it... feel the cock between my legs. I feel it's weight, the fullness of it filing my jocks, and I feel it getting hard, aching to be touched. I run my hand across my now flat chest, along the still numb scars... down through the soft fuzz covering my belly, slip it into the waist of my pants to find that the touch I crave so much isn't possible.
In my mind, I can feel it... in my crotch I can feel it... but I can't reach out and touch it. And it aches... to know that I'll never know the feeling of a strong hand wrapping around it to stroke it... soft lips caressing it, the firm tongue encircling it... I'll never know the feeling of sinking into a warm, wet, welcoming cunt, or a willing arse...
I will always be queer... sex is an adventure of imagination, of role-play necessary to enable me to enjoy what I have, and suspend the belief that my cock is a mere phantom... a phantom of belief and imagination.
It aches... and I ache... to be seen as myself... to be loved as myself... to find the phantom lover for my phantom cock.